I've decided to dedicate two separate posts to my symptoms. The first (this one) defines the ways that my subjective experiences may be perceived by others, and how it affects my ability to attend to daily tasks. The next post will attempt to put into words the seemingly impossible; that is, I will try to define what depersonalization/derealization feels like from my own perspective.
The first clause of the previous sentence might have been misleading. In fact, few people have remarked that there seems to be anything different about me. At certain times I can be charming and witty, proceeding through life successfully. Yet on other occasions--and more frequently--I can seem oblivious to everything in my surroundings, including the person with whom I am engaged in conversation. Others have also witness how easily I lose my sense of direction, and how I wander around in a seemingly aimless manner. My close friends, relatives, and coworkers often become frustrated with me because my memory and processing speed are slow, and I often forget what has just been told to me or important events, such as birthdays. These are merely byproducts of my symptoms, rather than any visual signs or cues that may inform another person that something is terribly wrong.
I thought it would be helpful to describe my actions and behaviors on a typical day. I often have trouble waking up in the morning, as the transition from dream-state to real life is often a hazy one. In fact, I frequently feel as if my dreams are more real than waking life. I cannot, nor have I ever been able to take a shower in the morning, as my spaciness seems to be strongest in the early hours. In fact, I have developed a routine whereby I lay out my clothes and everything necessary for the next day the night before, or I would surely forget them. I then walk out to the bus stop, typically forgetting to eat breakfast or pack a lunch. While waiting for the bus, I get impatient and wander around, often making circles around the bus shelter. When the bus arrives, I board and try to find a seat. I typically daydream when on the bus, and frequently miss my stop as a result of it. Once on campus, I go get a coffee (I've switched to decaf). It has happened on several occasions that I will pay the cashier and then walk out of the building, forgetting to take the coffee I had just purchased with me (I've done this at drive-through windows as well...an utterly embarrassing experience!). I will often then wander around campus, making circles around the library, lost in my own thoughts as usual while smoking a cigarette, maybe two, sometimes three. I enter the library, show her my credit card (as opposed to my Student ID), and walk down to the basement, where I've found the one spot on campus where I can work. I spend most of the day there, reading and taking frequent trips outside for a cigarette, not because I have a craving, but because I've come to an interesting point in my reading and I have a constant urge to get up and pace in order to follow through on a thought. Finding something for lunch is often one of the most difficult parts of my days, as I'm so stuck in my head, I'm not paying attention to any of the shops or kiosks around me, and I have trouble deciding what to do. So I wander some more.
I come home at the end of the day, usually between six and seven, feeling as if I've accomplished nothing. Everything I've read has slipped my consciousness, and I dread the next day, having to do it all over again. When I arrive at my house, I peruse my kitchen, which is usually bare, because grocery shopping is a highly stressful experience for me. Once I've decided what I'm going to eat, I open up all the covers, desperately searching for the pots and pans. It's not that I don't know where they are, but my mind is so lost in thought that I cannot seem to focus on making dinner. For this reason, I often have a boring routine for dinner as well: rice and a vegetable in the rice cooker, while I fry some form of protein in a frying pan. I then think some more about how my day went, and what I might have to look forward to in the future. As I go to take a shower, I walk into the bathroom with nothing. I come out and return to my room to grab a towel only to enter the room and forget what I was coming back to retrieve. I enter the bathroom once more, towel-less, and repeat the same pattern a couple of times.
I've heard people tell me that this form of spaciness happens to them on occasion. They then inform me that when it happens, they tell themselves how stupid they are for doing it. Imagine if nearly every moment of your life was spent walking around in a fog, unaware of where you are and what you are doing. Making frequent mistakes. It takes a toll on a person's self-esteem. I've heard of the absent-minded professor, but this is ridiculous!
Once the arduous task of bathing has been successfully accomplished, I return to my room, take everything out of the pockets of my current outfit, and place them in the pockets of the garments I plan on wearing the next day. After that, I peruse the internet for awhile...the same sites everyday. Not intending to actually learn anything new or useful, but simply to rest my mind after an exhausting yet unproductive day. I cannot, nor have I ever been able to really sleep without a visual distraction (television or the Internet) to keep my thoughts at bay. I anxiously await the next day when I can look forward to repeating this pattern again.
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