I have it made.  To all appearances, I am a healthy, vibrant, attractive and well-adjusted 28-year-old guy.  I have a loving family, and several wonderful and supportive friends.  I graduated Summa cum Laude with Honors in French and Music six years ago, and I just successfully completed my first year in a Ph.D. program studying music theory.  I seem to have just about everything I could have ever dreamed of, and life is looking positive for me.

However ideal my life may superficially seem, there's still something not quite right, something dark and insidious buried deep within me.  When I walk the streets, everything seems flat and lifeless, as if the real world were only two-dimensional.  The people on the street seem almost mechanical, as if they were robots, and the world feels dull and What's more, I feel as if I am a robot, going through the motions of everyday life, but lacking a will or agency.  I feel as if I lack willful control of my bodily processes, and that I'm not in control of my thoughts.  Time seems distorted, and I have extreme difficulty executing some of the most basic of all tasks, such as preparing to take a shower, cooking meals, and just generally organizing my day.  My thoughts are primarily of an existential nature; because I feel that my mind is somehow manifestly separated from my body, I continuously question my very own nature: "do I truly exist?  Is this world outside of me truly real, or simply an image created by my own mind?"  I'm often wandering around aimlessly, feeling as though I'm walking through a living dream.

I have Depersonalization Disorder.

I haven't been diagnosed as such by a psychiatrist, and for reasons that are understandable.  I have a life-long history of depression and anxiety.  I developed panic disorder when I was 20 and studying abroad in Paris.  I have been hospitalized four times, have been on just about every anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication that exists, tried hypnotherrapy and have even undergone 14 sessions of ECT (Electroconvulsive therapy, or "electric shock" treaments, as it is known colloquially).  It is these symptoms that become manifest when I am disturbed enough to go see a therapist or a psychiatrist.  Moreover, depersonalization/derealization (DP/DR) symptoms frequently accompany chronic or intense feelings of stress or anxiety: feelings of unreality, as if observing the world through a glass wall or a haze, or as if one is watching life pass through a movie screen.

However, in my case, the symptoms are still there when I am not undergoing stress or in a state of depression.  My mind feels constantly clouded and foggy, and I have difficulty remembering things or making decisions.  Probably the most disturbing symptom for me, I suppose, is finding it difficult to listen when people are speaking to me.  There is a self-absorption involved, which should not be confused with narcissism.  It's merely a constant state of self-observation.  My partner, whom I loved and still love, recently ended our relationship, in great part, because of the manifestation of these symptoms, coupled with the anxiety and depression that are byproducts of feeling unable to connect with the world.

Yet I've noticed throughout my life that there are certain situations where the symptoms have been able to subside for a brief period, yet as of this moment, I haven't figured out how remove the fog entirely.

There are a number of reasons why I've started this blog.  First, I would like to document my day-to-day experiences, in order that this little-understood phenomenon can be brought to the attention of a broader audience.  Second,  I wish to get in touch with others who experience this sometimes crippling sensation--be it chronically or during fleeting moments--so that those of us who have this do not have to suffer in silence.  I'm hoping that I, or we, can discuss the distress caused by depersonalization in our daily lives, ways to cope with it, and perhaps to even hope someday for a cure.

Like anyone, my ultimate goal in life is my own happiness and the happiness of others.  This disability has robbed me of that opportunity, yet despite my struggles, I still yearn and hope for a cure.

In my next post, I will discuss my own personal experiences with DP/DR, what experiences I believe may have triggered and/or exacerbated it, and how I've so far managed to cope with it.