One of the most turbulent sources of frustration for me is what are referred to as "negative symptoms." Negative symptoms are commonly associated with schizophrenia, but they are present with depersonalization as well (this is one of the reasons why I thought I may have been schizophrenic at some point, despite the fact that I lack "positive symptoms" such as delusions and hallucinations). Negative symptoms are behaviors that are lacking which a 'normal' person would express. It is these symptoms that result in difficulty concentrating, thinking, expressing emotion, socializing and just enjoying life in general. Any sort of spontaneity in life is gone. While there is certainly a will, there is little agency. It is extremely difficult for me to hold a conversation with someone, for example, or to conceptualize what is necessary to perform a certain activity. I'm presently most frustrated by the fact that I will hold (mostly one-sided) conversations with people, and will not remember a word of what was said a moment later. While I have a few good friends, a loving and supportive partner, and family that cares deeply about me, I still find myself lonely most of the time. My thoughts are typically disjointed and loud. It's not that I can audibly hear them, but that they are so prevalent and all-encompassing that everything in my environment gets lost in the background. It's almost as if nothing outside of myself exists. I feel that I'm nothing but a brain in a jar, and the world outside of me is 'unreal,' as I've mentioned in previous posts.
There is always this question in my mind as to whether it is anxiety that causes my derealization, or if the derealization came first, and my anxiety is the result of it. I'm of the opinion that it is the latter case. I've been working with therapists at controlling my anxiety, but the feelings of being 'unreal,' and of being in a consistently 'zoned out' state do not seem to disappear, even when my anxiety levels are relatively low (if not completely gone).
I've come to my wits end with this 'thing.' I would like it to end, but I might just be forced to live with it for the rest of my life. I don't know if I can live with that.
Yes, you can! :) --Ilana
ReplyDeleteI'll second Ilana's comment!
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ReplyDeleteHave you considered complex PTSD? This is the best “diagnosis” I've been able to figure for myself with very similar "symptoms" and "problems" to yourself. I put those is inverted commas because I've learnt to see these things as essentially being protective in some way - the thing I think our minds are trying to do is survive, they’re in heightened survival mode, like every day is the end of the world and they’re just trying their darndest to survive it.
ReplyDeleteI think that our minds have become traumatised by certain experiences in the past and not got over these experiences (mine were very early in my childhood and then exacerbated/complicated/reinforced by subsequent similar experiences throughout my life). So, your mind still senses and is searching for the threat to your survival (even though it doesn't exist anymore). This is what causes the anxiety, which your mind then tries to pin on something in the world or other people (hence problems in social situations, particularly with people you don’t know/trust), leading to fear and in turn avoidance, either through physical behaviours or mental ones, e.g. the feelings of depersonalisation and separation from the world, dissociation, emotional numbing (the mind effectively trying to protect you from feelings that it thinks you can't deal with), etc.
Let me know if you can identify with any of that? Needless to say you're not alone. I look forward to hearing more about your experiences and what you've been going through. Feel free to email me/get in touch – I have strategies that I’m finding are slowly working for me and I hope might help you too. Take care, Sharon.
Sharon,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your thoughtful reply. As a matter of fact, your description of the series of events does resonate with my experience for the most part. The only thing I can't put my finger on is a triggering event...some form of childhood trauma that may have precipitated this reaction in me (though I did get my head stuck in the railing once and had to have the fire department come grease me out). Otherwise, I do feel like I'm constantly in survival mode, yet there is nothing particular to which to pinpoint the anxiety on. I would very much like to speak with you sometime to learn some of the strategies you have been learning to cope with this. I'm hoping this message finds you in better spirits than me at the present moment. Take care, Joshua
Hi Joshua- I hope you are doing ok. I am a 30 year old female with that could otherwise be a pretty decent life and I can relate to you and comments above from Sharon, as I also feel I have a sort of complex PTSD, and have been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome due to my myriad medical complaints. I think they are very real, but I wouldn't say they are not also psychosomatic, i.e. measureable with the right tests but with roots in emotional/mental issues. Also when I was a kid I had selective mutism. These days I feel marginal derealization, though after taking hallucinogens I had it bad for 6 months or so, I was having bursts of existential nausea about every 5 minutes for awhile there. So I can see the propensity to nervous break down in my own past as you two are describing. I too seem to have been born that way. It is genetic and therefore uncurable though? I decline to think so. I feel cut off from all goodness in life. At my best (this is very rare) I am neutral, cynical, numbed, I see nothing as good or bad only strange in the way that a mushroom is strange, that mountains are awe-some. I feel wonder at being alive, but not joy. At my worst...well lets not talk about that...lets talk about the way I normally feel which is just like something is not quite right, the world looks strange and shimmery as if I can't quite focus on it, especially if I am outdoors in nature. There are certainly "spiritual" aspects to being derealized, but they are not of the happy sort. I don't feel connected. I feel disconnected. I feel sometimes like the world is a cruel practical joke, but instead of feeling like I will wake up into a heaven, i feel like I'll wake up into something even more hellish, like the trees and the flowers and the falling in love are a fine veneer of sugar coating on top of something so dark and disgusting as to be unimaginable. Well, on that note, take care!!! :)
ReplyDeleteI started with 10mg initially and had a lot of side effects (nausea, diarrhea, etc.) and was very lethargic, so I cut it in half and tried again. I can't tell you how much this medication has helped me. sarah
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